The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
