Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
