Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
