is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
