we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
