I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
