I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
