i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
