So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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