i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
