I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
