So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
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You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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