I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
