I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
