Sacagawea was the original milf.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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