yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
