Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
