As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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