I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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