Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
