I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
