We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
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You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
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I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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