its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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