So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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