he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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