Where is the hickey?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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