Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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