There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
