Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
