hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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