I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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