remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
