Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
