Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
