I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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