Your tits are I can't wait for
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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