and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
