Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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