I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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