I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
