o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
