i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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