i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
