I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
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