Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
