So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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