I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
