I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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