Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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