Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
