walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
