i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
