You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
