mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
