the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
