Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
