Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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