I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
