dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
